Okay, this was right after sometime when airplanes started charging for two seats when a person’s dimension and weight exceeded certain criteria, and after 2001, when a brown person in an airplane caused some people to panic.
I boarded a plane, and despite the tickets being bought and checked in at the same time, my friend sat all the way in the front, and I sat all the way in the back by the toilet, even though there were plenty of vacant seats all around. There sat another man across the aisle, who occupied no less than two seats. No big deal, eh? Well, it just happened another person with similar dimension walks by and goes in the toilet. As he comes out of the toilet, my big fat neighbor decides to go as well. This got interesting when a really skinny person walked in the toilet – he bolted out of there with a pale face, and proceeded to the nearest flight attendant.
Now, while I’m thinking, thank God I have a bad cold and stuffy nose where I can’t smell anything. The flight attendant scurries to the toilet, takes a peek, and hightailed to the front. Now I got a little worried, and started to wonder what surprise did my fat friends leave in that tiny space. The voice over the PA system broke my chain of thought as it announced that the toilet in the back is out of commission.
My curiosity arose, and as I lacked the sense of smell, I couldn’t help but wonder: What was it that came out of the fat man’s ass hole? Or was it that the metal bowl couldn’t sustain the weight? Is it bigger than the chute in the toilet bowl? Is it brown or yellowish? Can some one’s poopie chute be bigger than an industrial strength, universal size toilet chute?
I stared with great curiosity at the last fat soul to use the toilet as he so nonchalantly flipped the pages of a magazine. I couldn’t take it any more! So I asked the flight attendant what had happened. She gave me a great big smile and replied, “Oh, it overflowed!” My suspicions were correct! What ever came out of the two fat man’s ass was bigger than the one-size-fits-all poopie chute of an airplane’s toilet! “Bing!” The voice of the Captain broke my chain of thoughts. He informed us of some upcoming rough weather and turbulence.
Then it hit me! I was sitting right next to the toilet that overflowed, and in my mind, I pictured two gigantic log like pieces of shit that resisted the immense suction of an airplanes toilet, blocking the blue liquid that overflowed. In paralyzing horror, I asked the flight attendant if I could be moved to avoid any potential contact with the deadly shit soaked blue liquid. Once again, with a great big smile, she said, “Let me see!”
She came back, and informed me how sorry she is for not being able to move me, but, with a great big smile, gave me a whole bunch of peanuts to compensate. I spend the rest of the flight in horror, staring at the peanuts, and the empty seats far, far away from the toilet. We landed safely, without having to see anything come out of that toilet.
Not too long ago, I went to watch the movie Snakes on a Plane. My date was terrified as she is afraid of snakes. We both came out of there with a pale face – her from snakes, mine from the memories of the horror of large constricting shit on a plane. Nothing had me prepared for what I saw next. There stood a great big fat man a few feet from me, who resembled the dimensions of my fat neighbor in that airplane. He was eating Planter’s peanuts standing by the toilet. Déjà vu? Or is it a movement to clog all toilets with peanut infused shit. Did the flight attendant give me those peanuts because the shit on the plane was nutty? The world may never know.
Now when I check in at an airport and someone asks me with a great big smile, “Window or Aisle?” – I reply, “As far away from the toilet as possible.” All the while, overpowered by the horror of large shit, I realized I no longer scan for the scary brown people, I scan for fat people with peanuts in their hand.
I boarded a plane, and despite the tickets being bought and checked in at the same time, my friend sat all the way in the front, and I sat all the way in the back by the toilet, even though there were plenty of vacant seats all around. There sat another man across the aisle, who occupied no less than two seats. No big deal, eh? Well, it just happened another person with similar dimension walks by and goes in the toilet. As he comes out of the toilet, my big fat neighbor decides to go as well. This got interesting when a really skinny person walked in the toilet – he bolted out of there with a pale face, and proceeded to the nearest flight attendant.
Now, while I’m thinking, thank God I have a bad cold and stuffy nose where I can’t smell anything. The flight attendant scurries to the toilet, takes a peek, and hightailed to the front. Now I got a little worried, and started to wonder what surprise did my fat friends leave in that tiny space. The voice over the PA system broke my chain of thought as it announced that the toilet in the back is out of commission.
My curiosity arose, and as I lacked the sense of smell, I couldn’t help but wonder: What was it that came out of the fat man’s ass hole? Or was it that the metal bowl couldn’t sustain the weight? Is it bigger than the chute in the toilet bowl? Is it brown or yellowish? Can some one’s poopie chute be bigger than an industrial strength, universal size toilet chute?
I stared with great curiosity at the last fat soul to use the toilet as he so nonchalantly flipped the pages of a magazine. I couldn’t take it any more! So I asked the flight attendant what had happened. She gave me a great big smile and replied, “Oh, it overflowed!” My suspicions were correct! What ever came out of the two fat man’s ass was bigger than the one-size-fits-all poopie chute of an airplane’s toilet! “Bing!” The voice of the Captain broke my chain of thoughts. He informed us of some upcoming rough weather and turbulence.
Then it hit me! I was sitting right next to the toilet that overflowed, and in my mind, I pictured two gigantic log like pieces of shit that resisted the immense suction of an airplanes toilet, blocking the blue liquid that overflowed. In paralyzing horror, I asked the flight attendant if I could be moved to avoid any potential contact with the deadly shit soaked blue liquid. Once again, with a great big smile, she said, “Let me see!”
She came back, and informed me how sorry she is for not being able to move me, but, with a great big smile, gave me a whole bunch of peanuts to compensate. I spend the rest of the flight in horror, staring at the peanuts, and the empty seats far, far away from the toilet. We landed safely, without having to see anything come out of that toilet.
Not too long ago, I went to watch the movie Snakes on a Plane. My date was terrified as she is afraid of snakes. We both came out of there with a pale face – her from snakes, mine from the memories of the horror of large constricting shit on a plane. Nothing had me prepared for what I saw next. There stood a great big fat man a few feet from me, who resembled the dimensions of my fat neighbor in that airplane. He was eating Planter’s peanuts standing by the toilet. Déjà vu? Or is it a movement to clog all toilets with peanut infused shit. Did the flight attendant give me those peanuts because the shit on the plane was nutty? The world may never know.
Now when I check in at an airport and someone asks me with a great big smile, “Window or Aisle?” – I reply, “As far away from the toilet as possible.” All the while, overpowered by the horror of large shit, I realized I no longer scan for the scary brown people, I scan for fat people with peanuts in their hand.
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1 comment:
You're hilarious!!
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